Taliban Uses Spoons To Dig Out Of Afghan Prison

Gizmodo- In their biggest prison break since 2008, nearly 500 Afghani detainees (mostly Taliban members) escaped from the Sarposa Prison through an underground tunnel, dug from the outside. Now the U.S. military is searching high and low, hoping to corral the escapees back in. The crazy thing is that they built this long tunnel using nothing but basic tools—no machinery.





It's like I always said, people are gonna get complacent when you occupy a foreign country for a decade.  And that means the bad guys are gonna escape outta jail with spoons and sticks.  After a while, it's not war anymore, it is just showing up for work.  I mean the first couple of years were war, but then doesn't it become a real dangerous work environment for everybody over there.  Let's bring all the 19-year old Americans home and place a few strategic Jason Bournes over there and the problem is solved.  Why waste these kids who volunteered there everything on a buncha fucking Afghanis who throw stones at women and believe in the most preposterous shit. 

I guarantee you the Afghani Police were in charge of this prison.  That is what's so fucked up.  Afghans against Afghans and we just kinda pick a side.  They use spoons to dig out of prisons, and we are walking around with M16s not knowing who is on our side.  Time to wrap it up and let the spies, secret assassination teams, and CIA take care of whatever it is we are taking care of in the hills and poppy fields of Afghanistan.

Human Cannonball Man Bites The Dust

(CNN) -- A man who was taking part in a human cannonball show in Detling, England, was fatally injured Monday when the event failed to go off as planned, Kent police said.
The incident occurred in the afternoon during Scott May's Daredevil Stunt Show at the Kent County Showground, southeast of London, police said.
The British Press Association, citing police, said a safety net failed to engage.
A statement on the Scott May website said all shows had been canceled "until further notice."
The stunt show, which has been touring since 1991, features monster trucks, two-wheel driving, fire stunts and car crashes.


You don't say?  The guy who was acting like a cannonball suffered a mishap and died.  All you extreme people out there make me scratch my head.  What posseses a person to become a cannonball?  In elementary school, when my teacher asked me what I wanted to be, I said normal things like, ballplayer or firefighter.  I never heard anybody tell their teacher, "I wanna be a cannonball when I grow up."

Maybe the most successful human cannonballs make a decent living, but I am sure atleast a handful go down in the heat of battle.  It is just inevitable in the cannonball industry.  There will be casualties.  It's written right in the handbook.  

Jimmy Carter Leads Elders Into North Korea

The Week-Ex-US President Jimmy Carter arrives in North Korea as part of the group of Elders to discuss food shortages, nuclear weapons and human rights.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A group of Elders, huh?  What is this, Middle Earth.  The council of Elders just doesn't seem like it fits into the 21st century vernacular.  More of a 15th or 16th century vibe. 

 

 I wish him and his broken down crew all the best, but I just do not see them returning home victorious.  I didn't even think it was safe for a shitload of old white guys from America to fly to N. Korea.  I hope that plane had more than one bathroom because all the commercials tell me that old guys have huge prostates that is constantly putting pressure on their bladder.  Remember, "It's not a going problem, its a GROWING problem."    Inside that plane must looked like a floor at Mass General.  Wrinkly old dudes hooked up to IVs and piss bags. 

 

North Korea really has got to get its shit together.  Nobody wants 90 year olds coming to tell them what to do.  It's like, we all know you've been there and done that, but c'mon grandpa, you don't even wipe your own ass.  So, my advice to North Korea is to shapen up, and shapen up fast, before we send not just Council of Elders, but the whole damn flock.

Free Antoine!!!!

(CNN) -- Antoine "Bed Intruder" Dodson, the man whose TV news rant against a would-be rapist became a viral music video and his ticket to celebrity, was arrested for marijuana possession, according to Alabama authorities.

Your tellin me this guy carries around marijuana with him.  I never woulda guessed it.  Looks like the President of the College Republicans if you ask me.  In all seriousness these laws are straight up wack.  Brotha Antoine here was just twirpin on some weed and the law enforcement got all up in his shit about it.  He wasn't rapin anybody.  You don't gotta hide your kids or your wife from this pothead.  Cuz potheads are harmless.  They don't even move all that much.   The injustice this young black kid from Alabama felt.   If I was black and in Alabama, I would do whatever it took to get out of Alabama.  Just doesn't have a good reputation with the treatment of black people.

NFL wide out gets stabbed by his wife, then defends her by saying he fell on a broken vase. Come on bro.

My man, my man. This is your girl? Gotta step up. Reporters list her at 5-9 and 155 pounds. Like dude thats bigger than me. But when your getting treated horribly ( just what I suspect from a roidraged wideout ) you gotta give your man "the poke" just so he knows you are still there to nag him. You know I am kindof on Michi's side because like you know she is getting treated like an old Nintendo 64 with Sonic in it. Just getting kicked aside whenever she is pleadin' for her needs. This dude don't care. He's is the god dam NFL. On the contrary its going to be Monday tomorrow and its Easter today and I know all of you are at your aunts, chillin, watching tube just thinking to yourself when would be a non awkward, lull in the crowd so you dont have to kiss 3 million people goodbye. I would like to give you a wish of good luck that you do not do what this lady does because that would be horrific and I dont want to write about your quarter life crisis.

PS- Dont forget your 5 hour energy tomorrow at your local convienant store so you dont have that 230 feeling anymore. As that deep voiced, goodlooking actor said on that annoying, rip your hair out commercial, "That was fast and easy." EF OFF!

- Mikey

Okay, is Homegoods the best place ever or is Homegoods the best place ever?

  First off, this is Kyle's hermano pequeno (who is definately cooler, better looking, funnier and just all around fresher.) Kyle keeps saying that the Homegoods blog is coming but fuck him, hes a bitch and will never write it, so I'm going to have to take the spot light with his 12 follower blog and I am certain that I will have this blog bumpin' by the end of the day with this one eye catching blog.

  But lets get to the center of this animal. Homegoods is the best place ever. I have only been there 2 or 3 times but where else can you buy fucking that Buddha guy just bein huge smoking like an ancient pipe. Also, I was amazed that I saw Ted Danson ( the mini statue ) of course there. I wanted to buy it but I never have any money on me because thats the way I roll. Just you think of home goods as the place where your old social studies teacher goes to get all those statues of fucking Alexander the Great( dude was a tank, learned about him last year ) but NO. This shit is real, I kinda wanna go right now. But i cant drive and god is peeing on us so there is no chance in hell im going. But I hope y'all like my blog cuz Kyle shit the bed and does like 2 blogs a week. So I thank you all! You are all my new followers! The lug has lost his chance and the young buck has prevailed.

PS- Trivia question. What movie am I watching with George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Matt Damon? (Nuts right?)

Where else can you get awesome shit like this???  The answer is nowhere but Homegoods, kid.

-Mikey

Is This Real???

The alien in the video from the last post stole the black kid's drink.  That got me thinking about racist undertones in movies and commercials.  And, my god, it did not take long to find the funniest, most racist commercial I have ever seen.  My only question is, Is this shit real?  I don't see how this could have ever been OK to make in the 21st century.  I guess it was OK in the 1980's.

The father in this video is a pussy, huh?  Can't get his own drink.  Can't cut his own shrubs.  Needs some dark-skinned brothers to do all the hard work and he just get to sit back and sexually molest his daughter.  Fuck the Confederacy and their value system.   It involved enslaving a group of people based on the shade of their skin.  What an arbitrary reason for being a slave or being free. 

Anyways, here is the the video.  What do you think about it?

Big Macs and Hot Beats

Guess who's back??  Shady's back.  Back again.

Those three lines right there are my absolute best Eminem impersonation.  Does not get any better than that for this guy.  I have no rapping skills.  I don't have his swagger, but dammit I can write his lyrics in a blog.  Shit, they may not even the right lyrics. 

I had a long week of not writing any blogs.  They don't pay me enough money to keep typing words in this little box for everyone to read.  And by everyone I mean 12 people.  Something had to drag me back in, and I found it this morning.  I saw this classic video of a movie from the 80's and just have to share it with all the unfortunate souls who stumble upon this god forsaken website.

How 'bout that alien takin the black kids drink?  The aliens a racist!!!!!

HE GOT GAME

Ray Ray for Threee!!!!!!

This Is Why We Do What We Do.

It is finally here.  The motherfucking weekend.  For all us Patriots, we got a long one baby.  Good luck to all of you.

This song encapsulates all that it means to be an American.  So, without further ado...

See you all on the other side.

One More Hour!

Holy Shit, It's Only Three.

Three PM.  Friday... I bet you feel like the clock is weighing you down and moving like a six year old that eats too many french fries and chicken fingers.  So here is a song for that.

We Are Still At Work. Except You Lucky Damn Teachers.

Love this band, and we are still at work.

1PM

This song mentions New England.  Not in a positive light, but still mentions it.  I like the words and 1pm is such a weird hour, so here is a weird song.  Love bringin the early nineties and all of it's special effects into the mix.  Where would we all be without the cultural influence of the early nineties?  Your face wouldn't melt off every weekend, that's for sure.

Noontime Baby

One time I was hanging out with my buddies and we thought noon was a drug.  Needless to say we were on them.  They called me a noonhead.  Cuz I liked noon so damn much.  It was Dinardi and Trav.  We were trading noons and shit.  Meanwhile, while all this talk of noons was happening, we made it to the final level of sonic.  All we kept saying was, "we gotta get the hell outta pittsburgh."  Those steel arrows that killed Sonic scared the shit out of us.  The crazy thing is none of us ever got passed the water level.  We beat that level in 6 minutes because we were in touch with some sort of higher power.  That was mostly Joe, too.  Three of a kind if I ever seen it.  All fuckin Noonheads.  So noon time means sun and cartoons.  This is the song and video for that.

Its The 11o'clock Hour

It still in the A.M, so I am gonna stick with My Morning Jacket and beautiful songs about beautiful girls. 

If we all did our jobs with the passion that Jim James did his, then maybe humankind might have a fighting chance.

10 am Song

For the second song of the morning, I will stick to a relaxing and beautiful song that runs through head more often than not.

It is Friday, All Day

I have come to a few realizations.  One is that I can do whatever I damn well please on this little piece of the internet.  I mean, I won't put anything up that makes you embarrassed in front of your 3 year old, but I can do whatever I want.  So, since it is Friday, I will put up a song every hour until 5pm so anybody who comes on this site can listen to good music and get ready for the weekend.

Also, I am watching C-Span right now(12:38am) and the governor of Wisconsin is a brat.  There is no getting around it.  This douche is taking away the rights of teachers.  I won't get into the power of the teacher's union, but teachers are not the enemy.  The enemy is you Governor Walker.  Teachers make 36,000 dollars a year and have more influence on the country's greatest resource (children) than any other group of people combined.
 To quote a book called TEACHER MAN, A teacher is, "a drill seargent, a rabbi, a shoulder to cry on, a disciplinarian, a singer, a low-level scholar, a clerk, a referee, a clown, a counselor, a dress-code enforcer, a conductor, an apologist, a philosopher, a collaborator, a tap dancer, a politician, a therapist, a fool, a traffic cop, a priest, a mother-father-brother-sister-uncle-aunt, a bookkeeper, a critic, a psychologist, and the last straw."
That is a quote of Frank McCourt, an Irishman with bad teeth.
A teacher is all that and much, much more.  How an entire group of Americans could ever try to take away the advantages of the people who put themselves on the frontlines of nurturing the future is beyond me. 

Well, that was my big speech and here is the music you have all been waiting for.  One song every hour for the next eight hours. 

This Cat Is Tough As Nails

Hey Cat!  You got a fuckin arrow in your head. 

Everybody is Going To Act Completely Rational Towards This Playoff Series

Montreal at Boston.

We have two countries.  We got two languages.  We got two teams that hate each other. We got a fugitive in Quebec and he is the captain of your Boston Bruins.  This rivalry truly has got it all.  They even sprinkled in a few black hockey players, which is like puttin a lil cayenne pepper on your cheeseburger.  Just spices that mother up.

I have never gone to a Montreal/Boston game, and definitely never a playoff game.  I have, however, been around the Fleetcenter when these games went down.  The level of debauchery amazed me.  Fights, swear words I couldn't understand, and just a feeling of true animosity filled up every street, every barroom, and every inch of the entire city.  Tonight should be fun.  I will be pulling for the Bruins and may even put some money on them.  Let's face it there is nothing better than shutting up a French speaking Canadien and getting paid while the Big Bad Bruins take care of business.

*** 16 more wins until the Cup.



Fire This Woman and Fuck the TSA

It is official.  Osama Bin Laden has won the war.  We used to live in a reasonable country whose citizens had rights.  Now giant officer ladies physically and sexually assault 6-year-old girls in the name of safety and freedom.  Osama's gigglin all the way to his neighbor's cave.

NEWSFLASH***  The 6 year old little girl from Kentucky is not a terrorist.  Nor is she a drug mule.  Nor does she deserve the humiliation that she was just put through by that TSA agent who just got her GED in the basement of some church.  

This woman should lose her job immediately.  You have to be able to apply common sense at work.  You just gotta.  Thomas Paine would be rolling over in his grave seeing the nation we have become.  The TSA terrorizes 6-year-old girls.  That is a fact.  So, if you support this type of behavior, you do not believe in the ideals of our founding fathers and probably should be locked up and placed under for mental evaluation.

Schizophrenia Up Close

Annalee Newitz — What you're looking at are neurons grown from a schizophrenic person. An incredible study, published today in Nature, reveals how scientists grew schizophrenic brain cells to understand the inner workings of this still-mysterious neurological disorder.
A team of scientists from research institutes across the US collaborated to conduct this first-of-a-kind experiment. Schizophrenia is known to be an inherited, genetic disease in the majority of cases, and the researchers drew their samples from the skin of four people with clearly inherited schizophrenia. Three were from families where one parent and all their siblings were also schizophrenic, and one had been diagnosed with schizophrenia at the age of 6. Then they then "reprogrammed" these cells to become stem cells, then neurons, creating small colonies of cells whose genetic profile exactly matches schizophrenic neurons.


Take a good, hard look at this picture.  That is what crazy looks like.  Pretty scary if you ask me.  Scientists are out there making skitzo stem cells (that is a much easier spelling for me.)   Well , what is making them stop right there?  They could go all the way.  From stem cells they can clone these crazy folks, then who knows where that leads.  Is there going to be an army of skitzo crazy mothers unleashed to destabilize society as we know it?  This is not as far fetched as it seems, my friends. 

For every 100 good-intentioned scientists out there,. there is atleast 1.4 bad ones.  That is a scary proposition knowing what a evil scientist is capable of.  Let's all hope and pray for the human civilization that there are no evil scientists out there trying to take over the world with their skitzo army.

An Army of these guys could do some serious damage.

Guilty!

Does this look like a guilty man to you?

Yes, that flambouyant black man who has draped himself in gold is guilty.  Didn't take a rocket scientist to figure this one out.  Before all the juice this guy looked more like Rick James and now he looks like that motherfuckin Deebo.  Rick James is a criminal. Deebo is criminal.  Big Bad Barry is both.  How scary is that?

So, the question I have is, does the American judicial system lock up the home run champion and scapegoat of the scapegoat era?  If they lock up anyone it would be this guy.  Definitely not Clemens.  He's got that whole Southern Baptist White thing going on.   Can't buy that type built in defense system.

Good Luck Barry.  I'll be rooting for ya. 

UPDATE-  I was going to edit this sentence that I made a mistake on, "...does the American judicial system lock up the home run champion and scapegoat of the scapegoat era?

I was going to say ,"scapegoat of the steroid era?", but the more I think about it, the steroid era really was the scapegoat era.  All of professional sports were doings things considered illegal and maybe a handful of people are going to pay for defiant acts.  Sounds a lot like more the Scapegoat Era to me, instead of the Steroid Era.  Let's get real, they are all on something. 

Nice Outfit

Just Serena being Serena, I suppose.  Those sweet Nikes definitely steal the show.   I am surprised you don't see a giant bulge in between her legs, because it takes some giant balls to walk out of the house like this.  I don't even like to wear anything remotely controversial out of my house.  That is, of course, until the weekend, when it is like one long 48 hour game of dress up for this guy.  Still couldn't pull this one off though in my deepest and darkest hazes.

PS-  Shaq hit that.

Another Rich Man With Goggle Tan Lines

Look at those pasty white eyelids.  They go perfectly with his radiant orange skin.  This guy's face looks like a creamsicle that is melting way to fast under the hot summer sun.  What is with all these rich white men who think this is a good look?  A month ago I wrote about how  Roger Goodell frequents the tanning bed himself.  Goggle tanlines look especially terrible on men over sixty.  Step up your game you dumbass billionaire.  Look like you belong at that podium.

Trump for President?  Pahhh-leaseeeee, this guy is about one thing and one thing only, making Donald Trump money.  He don't care about your pathetic ass who's struggling through two jobs and barely has got a pot to piss in at the end of the day.

CHAMPIONS

With its thrilling 8-2 victory over Fanta Grape, Fanta Orange soda has become the official soft drink of the Blog.  Next week, Fanta will take on powerhouse, Crush Orange Soda.  It is sure to be a bloodbath. 

PS-  I wonder what the hell Kel is doing from hit shows like "Keenan and Kel" and the blockbuster powerhouse, "Good Burger."  I know he loved orange soda.

The Celtics Look Playoff Ready

Damn, talk about being an asshole.  No wonder why Delonte West beat this guy up during training camp.  He is a douchebag. 

This team is just hitting on all cylinders right now.  Wafer is celebratin missed dunks.  Shaq is doing a charity event somewhere.  Rondo hasn't had a good game in 4 weeks.  And Big Baby thinks he is Kareem Abdul Jabbar.  We got em right where we want them.

Just The Ocean In North Dakota... It's No Big Thing

Matt Hardigree — Heavy snow melt, moist soil, and North Dakota's peculiar geography combined over the weekend to turn the roads and fields around Fargo into a seemingly giant shallow ocean.







In the same weekend as the the largest cosmic explosion in the known universe, North Dakota got turned into the ocean.  Where are all the duckboats when you need them?  They're giving tours to gullible folks all over the country, that's where.  They should be in North Dakota earning their paycheck.  There is nothing worse than driving along in your Chrysler Sebring then rolling up on the ocean. 

This isn't just a deep puddle that little cars get stuck in.  This is water as far as the eye can see.  I didn't get to watch a ton of news today, but this didn't seem to get any coverage.  Oceans in North Dakota, and I think you gotta send Trisha Takanowa to cover the story.  There is just too much craziness in the world that not even 24 hour cable news stations can cover it all.

Thought of the Day

"Learn Well.  And Don't Let Your Feet Smell."

I have thoughts running through my head all day.  Some are ridiculous, others are practical.  This gem came to me while I was walking around school today.  It was very much inspired by the late, great Dr. Suess, with it rhyming and all.  I believe if everybody took into account these two simple mottos, the world would have 41% less idiots, and 27% more people would fuck with their socks off.  If you take care of your feet, everything else should fall right into place. 

Try this one out tomorrow.  Every new situation that you stumble into, repeat this to yourself, and I am sure you will dominate. 

Check Out the Tim Tebow Statue

In Gainesville, Florida there is a statue of Tim Tebow.  I believe Tim is applying for the motherfuckin Holy Ghost's job.  He's got that 3rd spot in the Holy Trinity on lockdown. It is only a matter of time before this guy becomes part of the Holy Trinity.  In 2,000 years, Catholics will be drinkin his fuckin blood from the goblet.  The Goblet of Tebow.

Question of the Day-   Do you think Tebow has stuck his dick inside any other human being?

Shit Your Pants My Friend

It may not look like much more than an orange splotch, but the picture to the right shows one of the largest cosmic explosions ever recorded. NASA first picked up last week on the bright blasts of radiation, which are thought to be coming from the center of a galaxy about 3.8 billion light years from Earth.
















Largest cosmic explosion in recorded human history, you say?  Well, I just wet my pants a little bit there.  I am a firm NON-believer in the 2012 theory, but if with all these cosmic explosions around me, I am having a hard time NOT believing.

Jill's Opinion :  I am a giant asswipe, but something could happen to the earth and there will be no John Cusack there to save us.

MY Opinion :  Hash browns are the greatest form a potato can take.  When all those young spuds are growing up together, they all talk about what they wanna be when they grow up.  The lucky ones become hash browns, maybe with a girl spud.  It's a beautiful thing. 

****Careful of exploding stars as you go about your day today.

It's Your Last Day To Vote

 Vs.

Today is the last day to vote in the all important survey at the bottom of the page.  Cast your vote and let your voice be heard.  Whatever flavor wins will be available at my first Blog Party.  All the strippers and Fanta soda with all this hard earned bloggin money.  Make the right decision, and enjoy your Saturday morning.

Check Out This Giant Mammal

This is a huge fucking bear.  What blows my mind is that this bear, squirrels, and human beings are all part of the mammal family.  That means at some point, probably around 2 or 3 billion years ago, we all had a common ancestor.  That is of course, if you believe in that sort of thing.  Those religious folks are missing out on a pretty wild story.  They sure are sticking to their guns though. 

"Science proved evolution, you say, fuck that, I got this killer Adam and Eve story.   I think I'm just gonna roll with this one."  

Dumb fuckin idiots, I walk down the street and whenever I see a squirrel, I get to say, "Wattup Cuz?"
Either way, you gotta love this thousand pound beast chillin a cubicle.  Even if you are religious.

UPDATE-  That poor fucker in the back got eaten.

Fish Friday!

All you practicing Catholics out there, I hope you steered cleared of all beef and any other type of meat products today.  Do you realize that little play on words... steer and beef.   Fuckin genuis, huh?

Well, anyways, punishment for consuming meat today is eternal damnation.  So, I hope you made the right choice and ate all your 'slaw.

My Girls

Well, it's Friday afternoon and that means it is time to weird.  This is one of my favorite songs to get weird to.  Motherfuckers will be groovin and they don't even know why.  Just remember, you don't need no social status.

Animal Collective knows what they're doing.  If you listen to them, then so do you.

Time For A Cocktail

Drinks like this beer here are going to have some company tomorrow at Fenway Park.  Gin n tonics, captains n coke and all the other glorious cocktails you can imagine will be sold at Fenway Park tomorrow.  I guess this is a groundbreaking story being covered by the national media.  I, personally, do not see the big deal.  Everybody knows to just bring some nips in if you want a mixed drink.  The amount of booze they give you is not going to be worth the $11 dollar price tag.  Honestly, fuck Fenway Park.  They pillage your hard earned money by giving you warm beer and overpriced souvenirs.  Not to mention the seats were built for people who were 5' 6'' and weighed 145 pounds.  And they cost about 200 beans to get a halfway decent seat.

Take into account the team has not won a game yet, and the Indians got two guys on with one out in the Third as I write this, and there is no reason to go tomorrow.

Oh, and Lebron is an owner now.   So, fuck that.  Save your money and go to a Spinners game up in Lowell.  Your kids won't know the difference.

This Guy Voted Uconn 3rd.

Jeff Eisenberg- UConn won college basketball's NCAA tournament on Monday night, yet the Huskies only received 30 of 31 first place votes in the final USA Today/ESPN poll released Tuesday.

The lone dissenter was Northern Arizona coach Mike Adras, who selected Ohio State and Kansas ahead of UConn on his ballot. Asked about his controversial choices, Adras told USA Today that this wasn't a protest vote and that he simply believed the Buckeyes had a better season-long resume than UConn.
"I voted for who I thought was the best team in the country based on the entire body of work during the season," Adras said. "I believe it is Ohio State. I want to congratulate Connecticut for winning the NCAA tournament. They deserved it."

Why does college basketball even have a final poll after a three week tournament that 68 teams play in to determine who is the best?  And, more importantly, why the fuck is Mike Adras, the coach of Northern Arizona, even have a vote?  This makes no sense.

This guy thinks Ohio St. and Kansas are better than Uconn.  If they are better than Uconn, they would have won the NCAA tournament.  What a jerkoff.  All this self-indulgent dick wants is for ESPN to talk about him and get his name in the newspaper.  You coach Northern Arizona, nobody cares about you.  Uconn won the national championship, and Mike Adras voted them 3rd.  I just can't get over how much of a douchebag this guy is. 

Ya Green Bay won the Super Bowl, but the Patriots body of work throughout the season was better.  Give that Lombardi trophy to the Patriots, baby.

The Sun

I wanted to put this song up when it was 72 degrees out on a Sunday afternoon.  I am having a hard time believing that will ever happen again in my lifetime.  Since it is noontime on a Wednesday, we are at the apex of this horrific work week.  Nothing but downhill from here.  It's sunny out, so this song is approriate to begin your smooth ride right into weekend. 

This song is by Portugal the Man.  Off the album Satanic Satanist.  Buy their music and make yourself a more well rounded individual.  It's actually not that easy.  Good song though.

Women's Basketball Is Awesome

I just laid money down that both teams in the National championship won't score over 70 points in the second half.  These chicks are definitely better shooters than anyone on Butler or Uconn, but they are still chicks.  Not trying to be a dick, women's hoops just is not as fun.   Look at these two girls in the picture above, just skying for that rebound.

UPDATE:  Fuck these giant chicks and their high field goal percentage.  They just did lay-ups up and down the court.  Who knew the shot clock was only 30 seconds in the women's game?  I really coulda used that bit of information before making my uninformed decision. 

The New "Breakfast Beer"

Moa, a company out of New Zealand just invented this bottle of beer.  I guess it is cherry flavored and is intended to be drunk in the morning.  This idea is going to be a huge hit with all of my friends.  Fuckers drink like there very existence depends on it.  

 People are gonna talk say this is such a bad idea and whoever drinks in the morning is an alcoholic. Well, fuck that.  Adults make their own decisions about their own bodies.  Go tell somebody else how to live.  I'm not advocating becoming a drunk and being drunk all the time.  I am advocating a good tasting beer that is intended to be drunk in the morning.  Vacations, brunches, weddings, and holidays are all days when people get up early and drink.  Someone was smart enough to come up with a beer meant just for that.  I wish I came up with this money making idea, but I'm stuck putting money on the Red Sox who apparently suck this season.  Shit sucks.

Drug Prosecutor Busted For Doing Drugs.

- A veteran narcotics prosecutor turned in his resignation Friday following his arrest last month on cocaine possession charges.
Clark County District Attorney David Roger said he received a resignation letter from David Schubert, a chief deputy district attorney.
"Mr. Schubert's letter of resignation will be accepted in lieu of termination," Roger said Friday afternoon.
Schubert, 47, who had been assigned to a federal drug trafficking task force, was arrested March 19 after being pulled over during a traffic stop. An officer found a substance on the passenger's side floor of his car that was found to be rock cocaine.
He was the prosecutor in recent high-profile drug cases involving Paris Hilton and pop singer Bruno Mars, who both pleaded to lesser charges to avoid jail time.
Schubert was arrested when a police officer patrolling an area known for narcotics sales in Las Vegas noticed a BMW stop in front of a home on Lisbon Avenue and pick up a man, according to the arrest report.


Most people are gonna think I am gonna rail against this guy who makes a living trying to put people who do coke behind bars, and he's doing coke the whole time.  Wrong again my friend.  This guy was buying 40 bags of blow in Vegas a couple nights a week.  I thought that shit was legal out there.  They don't call it Sin City for nothing.  What happened to that billion dollar marketing campaign, "What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas."  I guess that clearly does not apply to this lawyer.

This guy has a job, just like the rest of us, except of course of that pesky 9 % of people who are not lucky enough.  Jobs suck.  I know this. You know this.  Jesus Christ knew this.  That's why he quit being a carpenter and just started preachin.  Amen, Jesus.  So anybody with a job that shows up to work on time and gets it done, is free to buy 40 bags of coke in Las Vegas.  Only in Las Vegas though.  We all gotta blow off some steam.  This guy just liked doing coke in Vegas.  Some like gardening.  It's a matter of taste. 

Look how professional this guy looks trying to put Paris Hilton behind bars for sniffing a little powder...

New England Hoops, Baby

I said it before. and I will say it again;  Kemba gets you PAID!!!!



Aladdin's Long Lost Grandpa

It's hard out there for all of us.  This guy might just have it the hardest of all.  He just wants to know "What's crackin?"  Also, he would like to know if you have any crack, as well.  He would greatly appreciate if you could spare some crack.  I hope he knows his grandson is in Arabia wooing princesses with flying carpets, and boyish goodlooks.

BUSTED

PLANVILLE, Mass. --

More than 50 people, almost all of them under 21, are scheduled to be in court Monday morning after what Plainville police call the largest under aged party busts in years.

Police say they found more than 40 teens drinking and partying, late Friday night.

"What these kids don't understand is that if you're at these parties, even if you're not drinking, you can still be arrested for minor possession of alcohol," said William McEvoy of the Plainville police.

Police say when they arrived at the home they heard loud music, found beer and liquor bottles throughout the house and a large amount of marijuana in a jar.
Altogether, 52 people, 46 of them under the age of 21, two juveniles, were all arrested.
Surprisingly, police say the homeowners will not be charged, since they were not at the house at the time of the party.


The cops in Plainville are calling this a bust.  They say the "raided" this house.  Hate to burst your bubble here Plainville PD, but the terms busts and raids are reserved for busting and raiding high-level Colombian coke dealers.  What you did here is called breaking up a party.  Cops break up parties all the time.  Most don't have that dickhead in them that makes them arrest every single person at the party.  What you did here is waste resources, clog up the judicial system, and just in the general sense of the word, you all were assholes.

I wanna break down the genius quote by William McEvoy of the Plainville PD for a second.  This criminal justice major who knows what is right and what is wrong states "What these kids don't understand is that if you're at these parties, even if you're not drinking, you can still be arrested for minor possession of alcohol."  Now what kind of example is the Plainville cops trying to send out to all those responsible kids who were designated drivers that night.  I'm sure there were 5 or 6 really good kids who drove their friends to the party and didn't have a drink.  That's what good teenage kids do.  They can straddle the booze drugs and morality thing better than anyone.  Fuckin el retardo cops come in and arrest these kids.  Don't arrest the designated drivers.  That's Copping 101.  That's how you gain respect in the community.  Build friendships and shit.  C'monnnn, common sense has got to trump the stipulation of the Massachusetts underage drinking law. 

The cops got their big bust after their heroic raid of this suburban home.  A bunch of teenagers, 5 30-packs and a jar of weed.  Big score.  But, hey, thank God there wasn't any Four Lokos at the party. 

Final Four Decides Greatest Amateur Basketball Team in America

This weekend, a spectacle will take place in this mammoth 21st century creation.  This is Reliant Stadium, home of the Houston Texans.  This stadium has housed the Super Bowl, which is one of the biggest spectacles on planet earth.  It is right up there with the World Cup Final, Mardi Gras, and the entire region of the Middle East.  The thing about those spectacles is that they are all very much professional. 

Tonight the world's largest amateur spectacle will take place:  The Final Four.  Don't give me that Olympic argument.   Lebron James played in the Olympics, and there is no way he is eligible according to NCAA standards.  So tonight, students from 4 schools, big and small, will try to win the national championship of the most corrupt organization in the country.  The mafia is less corrupt than the NCAA.  As Tony Soprano says, "There are rules to this thing."  The same can not be said for the NCAA. 

Take a look at the coaches in tonight's marquee match up.  John Calipari is, in the words of my only literary hero, a swine.  This is his 3rd team he has taken this far.  Both of the 1st two schools got their Final Fours revoked because Calipari was not living up to the code of conduct of the NCAA.  They hold these programs to a higher standard than the Catholic church.  (BYU is a whole other can of worms.)  So, in the eyes of the NCAA, Calipari is a cheater.  If the NCAA was not a hypocritical organization, why wouldn't they just revoke John Calipari himself?  Instead they pussyfoot around the issues, and they tend to be forgotten over time. 

Jim Calhoun is the coach of the UCONN Huskies.  He is already suspended for the start of next year for violating rules.  If he broke the rules, why not suspend him when it counts?  Like tonight, but nope, he will miss a couple games in early November when everybody is paying attention to the NCAA's bastard child, the BCS.   

Basketball is a great game.  These moneygrubbin ass holes around it can never ruin what happens on the court.  The players are what's important.  They get treated like indentured servants in this system.  In my opinion, all players, especially the ones not getting paid, should go on strike from the NCAA.  It's a corrupt organization with corrupt leadership that the players should be able to vote out of power every 4 years. 

Having said all that, I will be tuning in tonight.  I love basketball, so in that sense, I guess they won.  I also think Kemba Walker is the best thing to happen to basketball since Allen Iverson. 

These kids are by no way amateurs.  Amateurs decide their champion at the local YMCA, not fucking Reliant Stadium in Houston, Texas.

Stroke Victim Arrested For Having A Stroke

Dallas News-  In a statement released today by Chief David Brown, the Dallas Police Department said it would seek dismissal of a public intoxication charge against an Oak Cliff woman whose stroke years ago left her with slurred speech and walking problems.
Dianne Irons, 55, was arrested on Feb. 23 by police officers who went to her home in response to a disturbance call.
"Subsequently, Ms. Irons was arrested for public intoxication because it was of the officers' opinion that Ms. Irons exhibited the symptoms of one who may be intoxicated," the chief's statement said.
"However, Ms. Irons is a stroke victim with documented evidence in her medical reports of slurred speech and unsteady balance. The department regrets that we did not recognize Ms. Irons' medical condition."
The woman spent about six hours in custody before being released. She said she told the officers who arrested her that she wasn't drunk and, in fact, doesn't drink.


We got a serious problem on our hands.  Motherfuckin cops can't tell the difference between someone having a stroke and someone that is drunk.  Aren't these boys supposed to be taking classes on this type of shit.  Locking up stroke victims might just be the norm in Texas.  There is no possible way that you can mistake the two.  One is having a stroke.  The other is talking about his high school football playing days and trying to stick his dick in a donut.  Uhhh, the fact is you can smell a drunk person from about a mile away.  That should have been a dead give away.  No booze on the breath, you bozos = not drunk.  Light a match near them and your likely to blow that fucker up. 

The drunkest people in this whole process were the goddamn cops.  They are no teatoalers, just goin out on a limb.  The poor lady suffering a stroke doesn't even drink.  Will the smart and reasonable people please stand up.   After you stand up, apply for some cop jobs, cuz these fuckers are out of control.

It's Friday, I'm In Love

I guarantee you that Friday's are the day that the least amount of suicides happen on.  It's got such a positive and hopeful feel.  Kind of like Obama in 2008.  The weekend is good, but it never lives up to the dreams you had on Friday.  Kind of like Obama in 2011.  So this is the high point of the week, folks.  And in honor of that, listen to my favorite song of all time and dance around while you are drinking beer. 

Of course, writing songs about Friday is contagious.  And the Robert Smith of our time, has just made this gem a couple of weeks ago.  She is famous.  Stop and think about that for a second.  Rebecca Black is famous. 

Have a better weekend than you can imagine.  Or you can be like me and just set the bar way lower so you reach it every time.

How I Would Change Major League Baseball For The Better

Open up your ears and turn up your hearing aid, Mr. Selig, I am going to tell you how to save the great game of baseball.  It has nothing to do with steroids or junk like that.  Let's stop kidding ourselves, all professional athletes are going to find ways to gain an edge, whether it is legal or illegal.  So, frankly, that is a mute point to me.  This article is going to be all about how to make baseball for people in cities other than New York, Boston, LA, Chicago... you know, the teams that win, BETTER.  The way I have this league set up, there will be pennant races from coast to coast.  You know what that means, more interest all over the country. 

Currently the league is setup with 3 divisions in 2 leagues.  East, Central, and West are in the American and National Leagues.  This setup is the first problem with the league.  In a division with the Red Sox, Yankees, and Rays, how can you expect a Baltimore or Toronto fan get excited about Opening Day?  The answer is you can't.  So that is problem number 1.  Baseball needs realignment.  Leave that Traditionalist shit at the door, this system in place has only been in place since 1995.  The game and the world we live in has changed since then.  Baseball has to change with them, or risk becoming an obsolete game that nobody born after 1972 gives a rat's ass about. 

As it is now, the divisions and leagues are broken up like this...

AMERICAN LEAGUE                                                                                 NATIONAL LEAGUE

East Division                                                                                                   East Division

   Boston Red Sox                                                                  Atlanta Braves

   New York Yankees                                                             Philadelphia Phillies

   Toronto Blue Jays                                                                Florida Marlins

   Baltimore Orioles                                                                 New York Mets

   Tampa Bay Rays                                                                 Washington Nationals

Central Division                                                                                             Central Division

   Minnesota Twins                                                                 St. Louis Cardinals 

   Cleveland Indians                                                                Milwaukee Brewers

   Kansas City Royals                                                             Cincinnati Reds        

   Detroit Tigers                                                                      Chicago Cubs

   Chicago White Sox                                                             Pittsburgh Pirates

                                                                                              Houston Astros

West Division                                                                                   West Division      

  Los Angeles Angels                                                            LA Dodgers

  Oakland A's                                                                       San Diego Padres

  Texas Rangers                                                                   San Francisco Giants

  Seattle Mariners                                                                 Colorado Rockies     

                                                                                           Arizona D'Backs          

With these 3 divisions, the winner of each division and the next best record are able to make the playoffs.  These division give unfair advantages all to some teams by having them beat out fewer teams in order to make the playoffs.  The Rangers made the playoffs last year by winning their division, beating out 3 teams.  The Reds, on the other hand had to beat out 5 other teams to win their division.  The logic here is flawed.  These divisions unjustly reward some cities, while punishing others.  The first thing I would do as commissioner is abolish these divisions.   

First things first, there needs to be the same amount of teams in each league.  This can be accomplished easily, just by going back to the way things were before the strike of 1994.  Put the Milwaukee Brewers back into the American League.  That will make each league have 15 teams.

From there, split up each league into only 2 divisions.  One division has 8 teams and the other has 7.  I know people are saying this will create a competitive disadvantage for the teams in the 8 team division.  But with the way the playoff spots will be handed out will take care of that built in bias.  If I was running the league, the divisions of each league would look like the following...

AMERICAN LEAGUE                                                             NATIONAL LEAGUE

East Division                                                                              East Division

Boston Red Sox                                                                     New York Mets

New York Yankees                                                               Philadelphia Phillies

Tampa Bay Rays                                                                    Florida Marlins

Baltimore Orioles                                                                   Atlanta Braves

Toronto Blue Jays                                                                 Washington Nationals

Detroit Tigers                                                                         Pittsburgh Pirates

Cleveland Indians                                                                   Cincinnati Reds

Milwaukee Brewers

West Division                                                                          West Division

Chicago White Sox                                                                 St. Louis Cards

Minnesota Twins                                                                     Houston Astros

Kansas City Royals                                                                 Chicago Cubs

LA Angels                                                                              LA Dodgers

Oakland A's                                                                           San Diego Padres

Texas Rangers                                                                   San Francisco Giants

Seattle Mariners                                                                 Arizona D'Backs

                                                                                            Colorado Rockies

These are the new alignments in my MLB.  The winner of each division will win a playoff birth and a bye in the first round of the playoffs.  The next best 4 records from either division will be awarded the final 4 spots in the playoffs.  This will give teams incentive to win their division on the final game of the year.  I remember years back when the Dodgers had a game with an NL West rival where the winner won the division and the loser got the Wild Card.  The game was essentially played like it was a Spring Training game.  Mike Piazza actually said that how his team was approaching the game.  That is no way to create excitement in the game of baseball.  That is why this simple re-alignment will make a world of difference.

This will also create numerous pennant races between numerous amounts of teams.  Many more teams will be in the playoff hunt, meaning more fans will show up to parks in the dog days of summer.  If you can somehow create a spike in interest, then you can create a spike in revenue.  This will be an important part of my argument later.   When there is an icentive to cheer for your team, like making the playoffs, people will do it.  With training camps starting in August in cities like Washington DC, wouldn't it be better if the Nationals were 4 games out of the final playoff spot instead of 29 games back of the dominant Phillies or Braves?  This move gives much more teams a fighter's chance to get into the playoffs.  If there is anything our current system has shown us, it's that if you get in the tourney, anything can happen.

With 6 teams in the playoffs, there will clearly be an extra round of playoffs.  To make up for this extra time, the insufferable season that runs into October has got to be cut short.  The season will be cut to 145 games.  162 is just a number.  There is nothing special attached to it, so again, the Traditionalist can go suck an egg. 

With this extra 18 or so days the new league has to play with, they can hold a Best-of -5 series between the 4 Wild Card teams.  They would be ranked according to their record.  This way, you don't have a 95 win WC team being hosted by a 87 win division winning team.  After this true "Wild Card" round, just like in the NFL, the two winning teams would play the division winners respectively.  There would be no rule about not playing some team from your division or anything like that.  The people in power made that rule for the sake of making rules.  It makes no logical sense.  The playoffs be all 7 game series from there on out.  In baseball you play 145 games (In my version) and then expect to pick the best team in a quick series of 5 games.  The Wild Card round it is fine for, but make the final 3 rounds best of 7.

The final proposal of my plan would be that the MLB needs a special day.  The World Series will never be the Super Bowl, but the Super Bowl is on Sunday every year and is that day's namesake.  Baseball needs a day.  The World Series falls during football season so the weekend is out.  The World Series should start every second Tuesday of October.  Play the game in the afternoon.  Make it a tradition.  Take that day over.  Baseball is all about traditions, but most of them aren't any good.  Americans love holidays, and they especially love holidays in the middle of the week.  A Tuesday afternoon in the middle of October with the crisp air and beautiful foliage is the perfect backdrop to the opening of the World Series.  Opening Day is such a pageant, it is time to make the end of the season the same way.  2 years ago, the season ended on a shortened 3 inning game.  Nobody outside New York or Philly cared.  On that Tuesday, make it a holiday.  Make it special.  Baseball has a chance to do something right for a change.  For some reason, I just don't think they have the will to make it happen.